Treasures in the Darkness

Yet another night of sleepless fatigue caused by a gnawing pain settled in my stomache and seeping through the corners of my cheeks threatening the barrier of thin composure. Loss of controlling the veil will result in tears and restless emotions interrupting all the next day. Sleep full of night terrors leaves my skin to shiver at the coolness of unknown fits.  Yet I am prisoner to the wave. Grasping for some way to surmise the break and reach the sunlight at the other end of the cyclical current overcoming me.  I will have to actively swim, watch and wait, hoping for the passing to be quick and my relief timely.  A silent night has always been my wish. 

I have fallen victim to another late night blog of greatest inspiration on my cell phone lost to the lack of forethought and awareness of my battery. The unsaved brilliance will forever be lost. I suspect that most creative writers believe the loss to be of some their most illuminating material. Although I suspect emotional attachment disillusions the reality usually revealed in time spent editing the "late-night flow of consciousness brilliance". My inspiration lacks the same luster for it is motivated by great fear and confusion about a decision. I am sitting on the cusp of a change, one that I have been working towards for several months during an extremely well-timed, restful, and uncomfortable season of life. This transitional period seems already to be one of the most critical of my lifetime, further movement forward will prove the importance, but next to deciding to marry my spouse and stay married during the onslaught of pain from my abusive past,...

The greatest amount of distraction could not erase the empty knot developing in my stomach in a slow churning motion, leaving me nauseated and uninspired. Today is supposed to be a day of change, but there is nothing moving in my will, spirit, heart, or mind. I am numb and faking any real hope I may possess deep in my heart. Follow your heart, it will always take you home, or a religious one, Where your heart is, there also is your treasure.  These phrases seem trite considering the heart is but a mound of beating flesh and I don't have a home, not a one that would be safe for my heart. My feelings, soul, and emotions are not to be relied upon or trusted. The smallest word, look, or off-putting tone can change them in the moment. Although, I am able to control them slightly better now than I did in the past because of my mind. I have a new home.  My dearest husband, who has and will continue to give me all of his love, knows my instability and brokenness very well. He has ...

Unknowingly I awoke to a very sore body. As I attempted to stretch out my arms, the muscles in my shoulder and neck clatter in a ascending firecracker upwards to my hairline. In efforts to stand my knees echo the sound of stiffness throughout the joints. I examine the multiple small bruises around my arms and legs, knowing that another fitful night had claimed victim to my weak skin. I cannot remember my nightmare, just a vague sense of dread fills my stomach and left my head slightly rotating in a spell of mild dizziness. It was time to awaken my uncooperative skin and begin to move. I had spent far too much time sitting and desiring to produce nothing that it was time to continue my exploration of the decrepit walls and possibly uncover more doors to my little dungeon. It had been some time since I had looked at any of the walls or the door that was opening up next to my dungeon cell, but I forced my mind to reveal its intention and motivate the movement of my extremities. My g...

Many great changes have erupted in my self-assured world of convenience. The world that never changed but slowly moved its shape in order to avoid one's eye to register, and thus process the intentions of the prison chamber. This deep chasm that slowly grew around myself into the gravel walls, with doors. Only recently had a door begun to expose its edge to help jump start the mind into the past of progression of the cell chamber. Soon every day more doors emerged around my place, where ever the place existed of un-tethered lights. An existence truly unaware of timeline or space or progression, fogged by the inability to distinguish shapes. A world without order, yet full of light. The brief flash of this state of being seems very distant, unhelpful, and rather unsettling. I remember the brevity of this state and then the full chamber before the recent happenings began to unveil the door. Fire. A blazing inferno with a young woman inside with her back to me, staring out into the ...

I got tired of nothing Inner feels begin to rise to the surface and they penetrate through my rib cage. Tears fall almost rhythmically and without mercy. My body tenses in revulsion of the feelings. The blurred lights begin to only glow, losing all their flickering. The ground begins shifting and I realize the cave intentionally begins to loose its rock dirt, choicely leaving only a steady flow of mud running down the banks gathering into a pool around me. I notice the area of wall, that I had begun inspecting a while ago, begins loosing its Mache-like plaster in large chunks. A huge piece falls in a loud crash, jolting me from my spot. Turning toward the wall I see a shining hinge, and a clear piece of what looks like the frame of a door and a large area of bright light emerging from the ragged triangle area of exposed…..light, piercing through what I can only surmise to be glass. The mud slide had abruptly stopped, no more churnings of water around the pool of mud, I stand in only...

Time has come and gone without notice. The flickering of the lights did not attract the eye away from the spot on the floor to which my eyes were fixed. My entire body was not moving, my mind was blank, and I was completely focused on nothing. I did not see the area of ground that my eyes would not move from because it was not variant from any other piece of dirt. My body and senses did not respond to any surroundings and blocked out any internal movings that arose. Unaware of external and internal, emotions flat and narrow, I had become an unmovable statue of flesh. My mind did not comprehend or process any information for what could have been days, years, or moments. I did not feel any pain or discomfort, because I did not feel. There was no internal connection with my body. The receptors of my brain did not respond to pain, the churning of my empty stomach, the dryness of my parched throat, the stinging of my unrested eyes. Numbness all throughout me, yet my mind was disconnect a...

Lent can be described as a season of remembrance and willing participation in an act of surrender and sacrifice in unity with the global Church and the Spirit of our Lord Jesus Christ. I have participated in this time of the church calendar for many years, abstaining from some substance, such as caffeine, sugar, carbs, or any other self-benefiting pseudo-diet plans to help kick start other goals. Although the above mentioned items are popular and valid for most individuals as a real act of sacrifice, for my past self-abusive behavior they were merely a means to an end. The end manifested itself in a perception of spiritual and physical maturity to those whom would care to judge those qualities. In those times, I arrogantly believed that many persons would cast judgments and find my actions favorable and upright. Yet those actions were motivated for purposes of survival, not for spiritual growth. When one grows up in a world of constant scrutiny and immediate resul...

What has happened? I remember the candles of strange hues and comforting warmth surrounding me, the broken beam of the structure damaged by the shaking and the note, which I still clutched in my hand. The room was filled with a bright light coming from another candle, leaving me staring at three candles, all with slightly different hues and intensity. The new candle sparkled as the flame continued to rise and fall in flashes of light. The light reminded me of something, unsure of the context of which I had seen this variation of grey. Searching my memories for a moment, I had no recollection of any such hue in my past, only memories of my cell and slow shifting variations of darkness. I peer over to the structure, still damaged and letting in the ray of light, although the brightness was muted by the brightness of the third candle, filling most of the cavern with light. There were a few crevasses that the light now revealed more about the rocks around me. In scanning the n...

Left there in the darkness with the sole light, time seemed to stop, unsure of how long I curled up next to the light my thoughts wandered. I silently laid down and studied my surrounding, calculating every aspect of the cave, the latch on the cell, recounted the wood beams imbedded among the rocks above me, leading to the chamber that was left open. I was not threaten or comforted by my evaluation of the cavern. My eyes were used to darkness, and after however long the light had been my new companion, I had readjusted to my new dimness. How long had I been there? This thought initally came unthreatening, yet as the logic invaded my brain, the sharp cut of the question rattled through the cavern. The earth moved around me, shaking everything. The chains echoed around me, yet the candle sat still. My mind froze as I tried to think of the candle, trying to place it. "How did the candle come? Why was I drawn to it? And why was it not shaking in the earthquake that threatened the beam...