Distraction

The greatest amount of distraction could not erase the empty knot developing in my stomach in a slow churning motion, leaving me nauseated and uninspired. Today is supposed to be a day of change, but there is nothing moving in my will, spirit, heart, or mind. I am numb and faking any real hope I may possess deep in my heart. Follow your heart, it will always take you home, or a religious one, Where your heart is, there also is your treasure. These phrases seem trite considering the heart is but a mound of beating flesh and I don't have a home, not a one that would be safe for my heart. My feelings, soul, and emotions are not to be relied upon or trusted. The smallest word, look, or off-putting tone can change them in the moment. Although, I am able to control them slightly better now than I did in the past because of my mind.

 I have a new home. 

 My dearest husband, who has and will continue to give me all of his love, knows my instability and brokenness very well. He has little understanding for my thinking, but remains respectful that I will continue to find my way to truth. I have been on this path for a long time and have found through the strength of my mind beginning to apply truth to my logic that my mound of flesh is almost gone, shredded from the onslaught of hatred, shame, and bitterness. It is hidden somewhere still, but I keep hearing the strength of the beating grow. I believe that I am getting closer to discovering that my heart is something salvageable in the landslide of my identity. Once I find it, I know that I will have a new place to keep it safe. I need to be able to keep it safe, yet open and available to display freely. A heart surviving the initial impact of the landslide, enveloped by soil, and almost petrified completely, kept beating and began to regrow, deserves some sort of display. At least a meager stone in remembrance of such a recovery.

Wishful thinking that I hope becomes a hopeful thought, with steps to discovery. I can't live without trusting my own emotions forever. I would like to find my buried treasure and allow others to see its beauty.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Time has come and gone without notice. The flickering of the lights did not attract the eye away from the spot on the floor to which my eyes were fixed. My entire body was not moving, my mind was blank, and I was completely focused on nothing. I did not see the area of ground that my eyes would not move from because it was not variant from any other piece of dirt. My body and senses did not respond to any surroundings and blocked out any internal movings that arose. Unaware of external and internal, emotions flat and narrow, I had become an unmovable statue of flesh. My mind did not comprehend or process any information for what could have been days, years, or moments. I did not feel any pain or discomfort, because I did not feel. There was no internal connection with my body. The receptors of my brain did not respond to pain, the churning of my empty stomach, the dryness of my parched throat, the stinging of my unrested eyes. Numbness all throughout me, yet my mind was disconnect a...
Read more

Treasure of Blindness

Many great changes have erupted in my self-assured world of convenience. The world that never changed but slowly moved its shape in order to avoid one's eye to register, and thus process the intentions of the prison chamber. This deep chasm that slowly grew around myself into the gravel walls, with doors. Only recently had a door begun to expose its edge to help jump start the mind into the past of progression of the cell chamber. Soon every day more doors emerged around my place, where ever the place existed of un-tethered lights. An existence truly unaware of timeline or space or progression, fogged by the inability to distinguish shapes. A world without order, yet full of light. The brief flash of this state of being seems very distant, unhelpful, and rather unsettling. I remember the brevity of this state and then the full chamber before the recent happenings began to unveil the door. Fire. A blazing inferno with a young woman inside with her back to me, staring out into the ...
Read more

Despair for the Night, or Many NIGHTS.

Heaviness... Greater than the weight of an elephant crushing the chest, heaviness rests on me. My entire body is filled with a thick muck, making each step seem too laborious. I rest my eyelids, but the fatigue of tossing and turning all night long overshadows my ability to find rest. I am undone. Life is pulling at my every thought, weighing down the processing of any emotion minus one: dread. The fear causes a narrowing focus on the darkness alone. I am unable to see the light in this conscious choice of blindness. Even witnessing the laughter of others causes pain and isolation. Loneliness.... Overwhelming isolation envelops the air. I am unable to think of one person who can relate or understand my perspective. Born into an unspeakable evil, I have lived a life filled to the brim with evil, hatred, manipulation, shame and sorrow. A life of only demented love, one void compassion, and absent of joy. A life not worth living at all. Looking back, I had one constant hope ...
Read more