Lent


Lent can be described as a season of remembrance and willing participation in an act of surrender and sacrifice in unity with the global Church and the Spirit of our Lord Jesus Christ. I have participated in this time of the church calendar for many years, abstaining from some substance, such as caffeine, sugar, carbs, or any other self-benefiting pseudo-diet plans to help kick start other goals. Although the above mentioned items are popular and valid for most individuals as a real act of sacrifice, for my past self-abusive behavior they were merely a means to an end. The end manifested itself in a perception of spiritual and physical maturity to those whom would care to judge those qualities. In those times, I arrogantly believed that many persons would cast judgments and find my actions favorable and upright. Yet those actions were motivated for purposes of survival, not for spiritual growth. When one grows up in a world of constant scrutiny and immediate resulting praise or condemnation, they develop great skills of anticipation of the motives and responses of others. This may sound strategically advanced relationship tactics, and by some a sought after skill, but reality proves this process ending in the loss of happiness due to a life of constant self-reflection and inner shifting of thoughts based on outward actions and realities of various people, groups, or societal norms.

In beginning this lent season, my heart is humble, my pain is great, and my understandings are confused. Previously, I had lived a life among great theologians and theologies, but poor and damaging practitioners of the Christian faith. Now my world has been drastically changed due to the practical faith of my husband, whom sees the very evils of my pain, listens to the screams of anger, and holds me during fits of shaking. In response to these actions he pulls my face close to his with his hands and says, “What I have I give to you, in Jesus name”
For those confused by why his words are transformational, this phrase was the crux of a sermon Keith preached his Senior year at Vanguard on Acts chapter 3, and this phrase has been the cornerstone of our love for one another.

So I honestly confess a deep conflict of person experience with the truth of the goodness of God. Growing up with scripture used as a manipulation for unspeakable evils, I have struggled with God's word and have chosen for several years to not read the scripture directly. (Those of you whom know more about the horrors of my past will understand, and for those of you whom would like to know why please contact me.) In the last few months I have read Job and other psalms several times, with great difficulty, but direct obedience to God renewing the truth of His word in my heart. This lent in an effort to surrender to God I have chosen to abstain from some items in my life, but more importantly to enter into a daily reading with the Church of the Psalms assigned in the liturgy of the Book of Common Prayer. There are more readings available, but I know that I need to start slowly on my renewal with God’s word.
From Psalm 37, God speaks His first words of promise to me. In my current struggle for justice, the timing of these words could not be more painful, humbling and difficult to understand.
                Fret not yourself because of evildoers;
                                be not envious of wrongdoers!
                For they will soon fade like the grass
                                and wither like the green herb.
                Trust in the LORD, and do good;
                                dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.
                Delight yourself in the LORD,
                                and he will give you the desires of your heart.
                Commit your way to the LORD;
                                trust in him, and he will act.
                He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,
                                and your justice as the noonday.
                Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
                                fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way,
                                over the man who carries out evil devices!
                Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath!
                                Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.
                For the evildoers shall be cut off,
                                but those who wait for the LORD shall inherit the land.
                In just a little while, the wicked will be no more;
                                though you look carefully at his place, he will not be there.
                But the meek shall inherit the land
                                and delight themselves in abundant peace.
(Psalm 37:1-11 ESV)

In surrender to God today, I am trusting in His timing for justice and recompense for the evils done to me. I wait for God’s peace to delight me.

 Abba, I am Yours.

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