Treasures in the Darkness

I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord. Psalm 40:1-3: The Journey’s End "Location. Location. Location" is the mantra of real estate. In this Psalm, there are three distinct locations. Starting in a pit of destruction, which is not a place anyone wants to live or can continue to live for any length of time. Next is a miry bog, while livable, not a particularly comfortable dwelling to live amidst the slime and excess bugs. The final place is a secure rock, the most stable and desirable, where you can call home.  People choose to live in one of these places within our souls. Some fall into, purposely visit and are stuck in, or are born i...

Heaviness... Greater than the weight of an elephant crushing the chest, heaviness rests on me. My entire body is filled with a thick muck, making each step seem too laborious. I rest my eyelids, but the fatigue of tossing and turning all night long overshadows my ability to find rest. I am undone. Life is pulling at my every thought, weighing down the processing of any emotion minus one: dread. The fear causes a narrowing focus on the darkness alone. I am unable to see the light in this conscious choice of blindness. Even witnessing the laughter of others causes pain and isolation. Loneliness.... Overwhelming isolation envelops the air. I am unable to think of one person who can relate or understand my perspective. Born into an unspeakable evil, I have lived a life filled to the brim with evil, hatred, manipulation, shame and sorrow. A life of only demented love, one void compassion, and absent of joy. A life not worth living at all. Looking back, I had one constant hope ...

I woke up one morning and I was fat. Some might argue and say that I was slowly gaining weight and should realize that it is impossible to wake up one morning and be fat. They might be right for the scientific facts of the body, however I am speaking to the mind. Perception is your reality. My perception was in a permanent schism. In words anyone can read, yet not necessarily completely understand, my mind, body, and soul were separated. They did not get along and decided to take up separate residences even though they are designed to all live under one roof. Repeated traumas permanently separated them so that I could not 'feel' my body except for extreme feelings of pain or pleasure...and until recently never pleasure. So I lived in a world of extreme pain mentally, physically, and soulfully, but never at the same time. They took turns terrorizing me with times of dormancy, a state of nothingness when my Psyche, the kid caught in the middle, couldn't handle it anymore an...

Yet another night of sleepless fatigue caused by a gnawing pain settled in my stomache and seeping through the corners of my cheeks threatening the barrier of thin composure. Loss of controlling the veil will result in tears and restless emotions interrupting all the next day. Sleep full of night terrors leaves my skin to shiver at the coolness of unknown fits.  Yet I am prisoner to the wave. Grasping for some way to surmise the break and reach the sunlight at the other end of the cyclical current overcoming me.  I will have to actively swim, watch and wait, hoping for the passing to be quick and my relief timely.  A silent night has always been my wish. 

I have fallen victim to another late night blog of greatest inspiration on my cell phone lost to the lack of forethought and awareness of my battery. The unsaved brilliance will forever be lost. I suspect that most creative writers believe the loss to be of some their most illuminating material. Although I suspect emotional attachment disillusions the reality usually revealed in time spent editing the "late-night flow of consciousness brilliance". My inspiration lacks the same luster for it is motivated by great fear and confusion about a decision. I am sitting on the cusp of a change, one that I have been working towards for several months during an extremely well-timed, restful, and uncomfortable season of life. This transitional period seems already to be one of the most critical of my lifetime, further movement forward will prove the importance, but next to deciding to marry my spouse and stay married during the onslaught of pain from my abusive past,...

The greatest amount of distraction could not erase the empty knot developing in my stomach in a slow churning motion, leaving me nauseated and uninspired. Today is supposed to be a day of change, but there is nothing moving in my will, spirit, heart, or mind. I am numb and faking any real hope I may possess deep in my heart. Follow your heart, it will always take you home, or a religious one, Where your heart is, there also is your treasure.  These phrases seem trite considering the heart is but a mound of beating flesh and I don't have a home, not a one that would be safe for my heart. My feelings, soul, and emotions are not to be relied upon or trusted. The smallest word, look, or off-putting tone can change them in the moment. Although, I am able to control them slightly better now than I did in the past because of my mind. I have a new home.  My dearest husband, who has and will continue to give me all of his love, knows my instability and brokenness very well. He has ...