Sending the Bratty Child HOME!
I have fallen victim to another late night blog of greatest inspiration on my cell phone lost to the lack of forethought and awareness of my battery. The unsaved brilliance will forever be lost. I suspect that most creative writers believe the loss to be of some their most illuminating material. Although I suspect emotional attachment disillusions the reality usually revealed in time spent editing the "late-night flow of consciousness brilliance".
My inspiration lacks the same luster for it is motivated by great fear and confusion about a decision. I am sitting on the cusp of a change, one that I have been working towards for several months during an extremely well-timed, restful, and uncomfortable season of life. This transitional period seems already to be one of the most critical of my lifetime, further movement forward will prove the importance, but next to deciding to marry my spouse and stay married during the onslaught of pain from my abusive past, the result of my decisions during this dark dungeon of deliverance "think-tank" has created a major trajectory for the sling-shot into my "adult" life. Adulthood, a time period of realizing and accepting my major setbacks, understanding and finding my inner voice, and making responsible decisions of my treatment of others regardless of the pain involved to my "natural, very broken self-understanding" and growth of my undiscovered preserved soul raised in the arms of my Father. Unselfish, pure and whole, my preserved soul continues to blossom overtaking the vicious dysfunctional thoughts and actions of my identity of shame resulting from being a surviving victim of greatest sin of another. Bearing the consequences of another's sin, can create in one's self a deep anger fueled by the injustice of relational, emotional, psychological, and physiological terrors repeating daily until released from bondage. The physical bondage may have discontinued but the mentioned reactions envelop until true self-responsibility can be identified, then understood, and finally experienced.
In deep darkness of confusion about this next step in healing, I turned to wisdom.
Are any of you wise and understanding? Show that your actions are good with a humble lifestyle that comes from wisdom. However, if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, then stop bragging and living in ways that deny the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above. Instead, it is from the earth, natural and demonic. Wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there is disorder and everything that is evil. What of the wisdom from above? First, it is pure, and then peaceful, gentle, obedient, filled with mercy and good actions, fair, and genuine. Those who make peace sow the seeds of justice by their peaceful acts.
James 3:13-18
My selfish ambition would rest in facilitating any means by which to recapture the freedom of a lost childhood, an innocence taken by others. Selfishly pursuing the absence of responsibility, due to a deep desire to live as a child. Having realized only recently the true essence of childhood, my heart beckons to live in the false reality that I can experience childhood again out of the motivation of resulting grief. My heart grieves my loss and at times, as with all grief, I can remain in denial of the impossibility of my reclaiming the lost. This state of selfish ambition does not regard the effect of living outside the reality of the present to those whom are near and dear to my growing heart. The effect would be devastating to my spouse and future.
I need to live in the reality of my situation. I need to work. I need to make money. I need to move forward. I have an able mind, body, and a growing will to control my life of battling identities. I need to live with humility, commit to obedience, and choose pure and peaceful actions.
My first step in living in wholeness begins with sowing a seed of justice by participating in peaceful actions towards acceptance with my losses, taking responsibility for the reality of my ragged yet healing soul, and allowing my preserved, loved, and growing soul to overtake my victim identity to discover a tree of life.
My inspiration lacks the same luster for it is motivated by great fear and confusion about a decision. I am sitting on the cusp of a change, one that I have been working towards for several months during an extremely well-timed, restful, and uncomfortable season of life. This transitional period seems already to be one of the most critical of my lifetime, further movement forward will prove the importance, but next to deciding to marry my spouse and stay married during the onslaught of pain from my abusive past, the result of my decisions during this dark dungeon of deliverance "think-tank" has created a major trajectory for the sling-shot into my "adult" life. Adulthood, a time period of realizing and accepting my major setbacks, understanding and finding my inner voice, and making responsible decisions of my treatment of others regardless of the pain involved to my "natural, very broken self-understanding" and growth of my undiscovered preserved soul raised in the arms of my Father. Unselfish, pure and whole, my preserved soul continues to blossom overtaking the vicious dysfunctional thoughts and actions of my identity of shame resulting from being a surviving victim of greatest sin of another. Bearing the consequences of another's sin, can create in one's self a deep anger fueled by the injustice of relational, emotional, psychological, and physiological terrors repeating daily until released from bondage. The physical bondage may have discontinued but the mentioned reactions envelop until true self-responsibility can be identified, then understood, and finally experienced.
In deep darkness of confusion about this next step in healing, I turned to wisdom.
Are any of you wise and understanding? Show that your actions are good with a humble lifestyle that comes from wisdom. However, if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, then stop bragging and living in ways that deny the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above. Instead, it is from the earth, natural and demonic. Wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there is disorder and everything that is evil. What of the wisdom from above? First, it is pure, and then peaceful, gentle, obedient, filled with mercy and good actions, fair, and genuine. Those who make peace sow the seeds of justice by their peaceful acts.
James 3:13-18
My selfish ambition would rest in facilitating any means by which to recapture the freedom of a lost childhood, an innocence taken by others. Selfishly pursuing the absence of responsibility, due to a deep desire to live as a child. Having realized only recently the true essence of childhood, my heart beckons to live in the false reality that I can experience childhood again out of the motivation of resulting grief. My heart grieves my loss and at times, as with all grief, I can remain in denial of the impossibility of my reclaiming the lost. This state of selfish ambition does not regard the effect of living outside the reality of the present to those whom are near and dear to my growing heart. The effect would be devastating to my spouse and future.
I need to live in the reality of my situation. I need to work. I need to make money. I need to move forward. I have an able mind, body, and a growing will to control my life of battling identities. I need to live with humility, commit to obedience, and choose pure and peaceful actions.
My first step in living in wholeness begins with sowing a seed of justice by participating in peaceful actions towards acceptance with my losses, taking responsibility for the reality of my ragged yet healing soul, and allowing my preserved, loved, and growing soul to overtake my victim identity to discover a tree of life.
This is encouraging! God is working! I love you
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