Despair for the Night, or Many NIGHTS.
Heaviness...
Greater than the weight of an elephant crushing the chest, heaviness rests on me. My entire body is filled with a thick muck, making each step seem too laborious. I rest my eyelids, but the fatigue of tossing and turning all night long overshadows my ability to find rest.
I am undone. Life is pulling at my every thought, weighing down the processing of any emotion minus one: dread. The fear causes a narrowing focus on the darkness alone. I am unable to see the light in this conscious choice of blindness. Even witnessing the laughter of others causes pain and isolation.
Loneliness....
Overwhelming isolation envelops the air. I am unable to think of one person who can relate or understand my perspective. Born into an unspeakable evil, I have lived a life filled to the brim with evil, hatred, manipulation, shame and sorrow. A life of only demented love, one void compassion, and absent of joy. A life not worth living at all.
Looking back, I had one constant hope to keep living, one joy to cling to reality in spite of the fear, and one truth to help detangle the lies of my horrendous "normal". My best friend who traveled through this treacherous path alongside me. He is all powerful, all knowing, loving and just, honest and pure, and full of grace and truth.
This one constant is the most important in the universe: The God who created everything. The God who understands my depression, who in the flesh experienced a despair so pronounced that His capillaries burst blood as He wept over the pain of His fate, HIS CHOICE, to carry every wrong unto His pure mortal body and die. In this divine mystery, Jesus' felt the weight of despair and evil beyond comprehension. He was isolated from His eternal constant, the Father. As I sit with the despair due to the evil of the past, I realize that even Jesus' body could not handle the stress of such pain. The pain of all evil combined had to succumb to death. Evil had to die because of the choice of the innocent. The power of God did not end in the death of His son. God never leaves His children in death.
God never leaves His children in death.
God created life and He will restore life.
The God who raised his Son from the dead does not want my heart to stay in the pain of despair. He desires to walk me out of darkness and into light. Restoring me to glory as was done for my best friend, Savior, and Lord. My one constant is alive and joyfully awaiting the wholeness of His family.
Although shadows can reveal deep wounds and sometimes sitting alone in the pain can seem comfortable, healing occurs in the light. Once you adjust to the light your whole being will be glowing with happiness. A life lived above the circumstances of the temporal but focused on the eternal. A person whole in their calling as a beloved child, untouchable by this world's troubles.
In the heaviness, remember that God never leaves His children in death.
In the loneliness, remember that God never leaves His children.
In the depression, remember that God never leaves.
Death does not win, evil does not triumph, and despair will end.
His joy will be my (our) strength.
Greater than the weight of an elephant crushing the chest, heaviness rests on me. My entire body is filled with a thick muck, making each step seem too laborious. I rest my eyelids, but the fatigue of tossing and turning all night long overshadows my ability to find rest.
I am undone. Life is pulling at my every thought, weighing down the processing of any emotion minus one: dread. The fear causes a narrowing focus on the darkness alone. I am unable to see the light in this conscious choice of blindness. Even witnessing the laughter of others causes pain and isolation.
Loneliness....
Overwhelming isolation envelops the air. I am unable to think of one person who can relate or understand my perspective. Born into an unspeakable evil, I have lived a life filled to the brim with evil, hatred, manipulation, shame and sorrow. A life of only demented love, one void compassion, and absent of joy. A life not worth living at all.
Looking back, I had one constant hope to keep living, one joy to cling to reality in spite of the fear, and one truth to help detangle the lies of my horrendous "normal". My best friend who traveled through this treacherous path alongside me. He is all powerful, all knowing, loving and just, honest and pure, and full of grace and truth.
This one constant is the most important in the universe: The God who created everything. The God who understands my depression, who in the flesh experienced a despair so pronounced that His capillaries burst blood as He wept over the pain of His fate, HIS CHOICE, to carry every wrong unto His pure mortal body and die. In this divine mystery, Jesus' felt the weight of despair and evil beyond comprehension. He was isolated from His eternal constant, the Father. As I sit with the despair due to the evil of the past, I realize that even Jesus' body could not handle the stress of such pain. The pain of all evil combined had to succumb to death. Evil had to die because of the choice of the innocent. The power of God did not end in the death of His son. God never leaves His children in death.
God never leaves His children in death.
God created life and He will restore life.
The God who raised his Son from the dead does not want my heart to stay in the pain of despair. He desires to walk me out of darkness and into light. Restoring me to glory as was done for my best friend, Savior, and Lord. My one constant is alive and joyfully awaiting the wholeness of His family.
Although shadows can reveal deep wounds and sometimes sitting alone in the pain can seem comfortable, healing occurs in the light. Once you adjust to the light your whole being will be glowing with happiness. A life lived above the circumstances of the temporal but focused on the eternal. A person whole in their calling as a beloved child, untouchable by this world's troubles.
In the heaviness, remember that God never leaves His children in death.
In the loneliness, remember that God never leaves His children.
In the depression, remember that God never leaves.
Death does not win, evil does not triumph, and despair will end.
His joy will be my (our) strength.
Comments
Post a Comment