Reconnection
I woke up one morning and I was fat.
Some might argue and say that I was slowly gaining weight and should realize that it is impossible to wake up one morning and be fat. They might be right for the scientific facts of the body, however I am speaking to the mind. Perception is your reality. My perception was in a permanent schism. In words anyone can read, yet not necessarily completely understand, my mind, body, and soul were separated. They did not get along and decided to take up separate residences even though they are designed to all live under one roof. Repeated traumas permanently separated them so that I could not 'feel' my body except for extreme feelings of pain or pleasure...and until recently never pleasure. So I lived in a world of extreme pain mentally, physically, and soulfully, but never at the same time. They took turns terrorizing me with times of dormancy, a state of nothingness when my Psyche, the kid caught in the middle, couldn't handle it anymore and stopped listening. Or, if you are over the family analogy, a denial of service attack by rendered my server temporarily locked up.
Either way, one day I was unable to feel the weight, size, breadth, and floppy nature of my skin and body, albeit enormous yet unrealized until the next day in a therapy named EMDR (look it up! If you have PTSD it will be worth every second) my mind and body reconnected.
I felt the connection again, something I had not felt since I was six years old. Minor sensations returned overwhelming the senses. And there you have it. I feel the fat. I woke up fat.
Again.......for me it literally felt like it happen overnight and it was significantly different from my young six year old body.
Then more recently my emotions reconnected with my mind and body. I have a Tri-view of personhood. Body, mind, and spirit also known as the soul. Emotions sit in the mysterious realm of the spirit. In another recent EMDR exercise my emotions reconnected to the newly cohabiting Body and Mind....who were not currently getting along, but at least under the same roof now.
So I tactical feel the fat on my body and in the process of reconciling it with my mind, the emotional side brutally comes in an puts the FEELing into FEELING THE FAT.
This might all sound like bashing but I don't mean for it to come from this mindset. I actually find it a rather hilarious experience causing me to have empathy for myself. The worldviews of beauty are being fiercely combative. I know which side I want to win, but I don't really like the side that is winning currently. I will explain to you my internal logic.
Skinny = pretty, good, successful, in control, attractive = unsafe
Fat = ugly, bad, failure, out of control, unattractive = safe
This is the side that drove me to battle with eating disorders. First with needing control more than anything my chaotic traumatic childhood anorexia, then when I was told I was too skinny, bulimia. Fast-forward several years to when I begin processing my trauma. The above logic lead me to conclude the only way to be safe was to grow....in my personal dimensions.
What I believe to be the REAL truth, and the side I want to win:
Fat = unheathly, not the best, a current state, lack of self-control, not attractive or unattractive (those words have more facets) = a state of life and being containing no reflection of value, purpose, or worth.
Skinny = unheathly, not the best, a current state, false sense of control, not attractive or unattractive = a stage of life and being containing no reflection of value, purpose, or worth.
Normal weight = healthly, the best, fluctuation, freedom, self-care is always a piece of attractiveness = a state of mind where food, appearances, and perceptions are not overwhelming the mind or goals of the day and are not seen as the most important but are kept in a proper boundary line of what others think, not what I think.
This is the side I want to win. People do come in all sizes and life is soooo much more than the physical state of one's body.
The worst pervasive lie in my heart: I have to meet whatever expectations others have of me in order to be accepted and loved. The result of the sin of abuse.
I can explain more of this later....for now I am going to feel the fat and feel the fat until I know longer am in shock over the fat. Eventually I will accept the fat as bearing no consequence toward my self-worth or value. Maybe by then I will only be chunky, but self-love is my end goal in this endeavor, I do not want to be chasing after another lie.
Beauty = Beauty and safety is not attached with hiding beauty.
The truth is somewhere in between my current thoughts, size, and emotions on the matter. I want to be there in my mind, body and soul ASAP.
Some might argue and say that I was slowly gaining weight and should realize that it is impossible to wake up one morning and be fat. They might be right for the scientific facts of the body, however I am speaking to the mind. Perception is your reality. My perception was in a permanent schism. In words anyone can read, yet not necessarily completely understand, my mind, body, and soul were separated. They did not get along and decided to take up separate residences even though they are designed to all live under one roof. Repeated traumas permanently separated them so that I could not 'feel' my body except for extreme feelings of pain or pleasure...and until recently never pleasure. So I lived in a world of extreme pain mentally, physically, and soulfully, but never at the same time. They took turns terrorizing me with times of dormancy, a state of nothingness when my Psyche, the kid caught in the middle, couldn't handle it anymore and stopped listening. Or, if you are over the family analogy, a denial of service attack by rendered my server temporarily locked up.
Either way, one day I was unable to feel the weight, size, breadth, and floppy nature of my skin and body, albeit enormous yet unrealized until the next day in a therapy named EMDR (look it up! If you have PTSD it will be worth every second) my mind and body reconnected.
I felt the connection again, something I had not felt since I was six years old. Minor sensations returned overwhelming the senses. And there you have it. I feel the fat. I woke up fat.
Again.......for me it literally felt like it happen overnight and it was significantly different from my young six year old body.
Then more recently my emotions reconnected with my mind and body. I have a Tri-view of personhood. Body, mind, and spirit also known as the soul. Emotions sit in the mysterious realm of the spirit. In another recent EMDR exercise my emotions reconnected to the newly cohabiting Body and Mind....who were not currently getting along, but at least under the same roof now.
So I tactical feel the fat on my body and in the process of reconciling it with my mind, the emotional side brutally comes in an puts the FEELing into FEELING THE FAT.
This might all sound like bashing but I don't mean for it to come from this mindset. I actually find it a rather hilarious experience causing me to have empathy for myself. The worldviews of beauty are being fiercely combative. I know which side I want to win, but I don't really like the side that is winning currently. I will explain to you my internal logic.
Skinny = pretty, good, successful, in control, attractive = unsafe
Fat = ugly, bad, failure, out of control, unattractive = safe
This is the side that drove me to battle with eating disorders. First with needing control more than anything my chaotic traumatic childhood anorexia, then when I was told I was too skinny, bulimia. Fast-forward several years to when I begin processing my trauma. The above logic lead me to conclude the only way to be safe was to grow....in my personal dimensions.
What I believe to be the REAL truth, and the side I want to win:
Fat = unheathly, not the best, a current state, lack of self-control, not attractive or unattractive (those words have more facets) = a state of life and being containing no reflection of value, purpose, or worth.
Skinny = unheathly, not the best, a current state, false sense of control, not attractive or unattractive = a stage of life and being containing no reflection of value, purpose, or worth.
Normal weight = healthly, the best, fluctuation, freedom, self-care is always a piece of attractiveness = a state of mind where food, appearances, and perceptions are not overwhelming the mind or goals of the day and are not seen as the most important but are kept in a proper boundary line of what others think, not what I think.
This is the side I want to win. People do come in all sizes and life is soooo much more than the physical state of one's body.
The worst pervasive lie in my heart: I have to meet whatever expectations others have of me in order to be accepted and loved. The result of the sin of abuse.
I can explain more of this later....for now I am going to feel the fat and feel the fat until I know longer am in shock over the fat. Eventually I will accept the fat as bearing no consequence toward my self-worth or value. Maybe by then I will only be chunky, but self-love is my end goal in this endeavor, I do not want to be chasing after another lie.
Beauty = Beauty and safety is not attached with hiding beauty.
The truth is somewhere in between my current thoughts, size, and emotions on the matter. I want to be there in my mind, body and soul ASAP.
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